Not only have I created and launched a business AND a blog while staying at home with my babies, internally, I am not the same person I was last fall. Not by miles. My emotions and thoughts are different. My goals are different. My perspective is different.
For the first time in my life, I feel as though I am on the right path, headed towards big, amazing things.
I am becoming someone I like. Someone I admire and respect.
I have purpose. The things I desire for myself and my family are tangible. Real. Attainable.
I like to think that my intentionality serves me; that in some way it benefits me or my future.
It feels good to live with purpose. It feels good to have direction.
These days, I do everything in this mindset. If something doesn’t elevate me or help me learn or grow in some way, it feels useless. Watching tv and movies, going to festivals and concerts, vacations, even necessary things like sleeping and relaxing seem trivial and futile. They are distractions (unless they benefit my kids, of course).
And THAT is not intentional.
Somewhere along the way, I’ve forgotten how to have fun. I’ve lost my sense of humor.
But I question whether that kind of “fun” and “humor” was ever even mine to begin with.
Is this part of the process? Have I gone off the deep end in pursuit of bettering myself?
Aside from feeling a TON of guilt when it comes to my family – who wants to enjoy life with me (i.e. vacationing, attending events, etc.), I don’t feel negative in any way. I don’t feel like I should be feeling, thinking, or acting any differently. I am living my truth. I feel that I am 100% where I am supposed to be, and I fully embrace and own who I am becoming.
I know the power of my thoughts, and I know how to control them.
I know my strengths and weaknesses and I know that I have the ability to improve or grow them.
I know that nothing and no one can define or dominate me.
Ultimately, I am at peace.
But the thing is – in this place of awareness and peace – I am alone.
I feel as though in many ways I’ve left my friends and family behind. Like I got beamed up into some spaceship and now I’m flying around the universe seeing and discovering all of these incredible things without them.
More than anything I want them to be on this journey with me.
Over these last few weeks, I’ve learned that no matter how much I want the people I love to understand and experience where I am mentally and emotionally, their level of comprehension solely relies on their own mindset and individual experiences, needs, and desires. All I can do is inspire and encourage them to pursue what lights them up… and keep moving forward.
So what’s a lonely mama to do?
Enjoy the journey.