“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” –
Holy moly, you guys.
I am on the verge of joyful tears as I write this post today.
This weekend, my husband returned home from a 4-day work trip.
While he was gone and I was left to care for our two wild toddlers alone, I couldn’t help but think about how far we had drifted apart over the last several years. How different our dynamic had become. How much I had grown without him, and truthfully, how little I needed him both physically and emotionally.
I felt less stress, less pressure, less frustration while he was away. The trip was a welcomed “break” from the tension between us.
Sean and I were heavy into partying when we first met in 2011. We spent several years together in this non-stop blur of bars, house parties, and clubs. Through my first entrepreneurial endeavor we continued this lifestyle, although it began to dissipate as I grew more intentional and passionate about my business.
When I found out that I was pregnant with our first daughter in 2015, we agreed TOGETHER that we would move forward with the pregnancy, and make the necessary lifestyle changes to best nurture our new little family. The day we made that difficult decision (you can read more about how I didn’t want kids here), I felt as though we had just taken each other’s hands and jumped off of this massive cliff into the unknown. Into blackness.
Little did I know then, that I had actually jumped off that cliff alone.
Over the course of the next 3 years, I struggled to keep our relationship alive.
While Sean continued to behave as though we didn’t have children, I grew angry and resentful. I wanted so bad to make things work… I mean, I was head over heels for this man at one point. But I felt as though he had misled me and then just watched me free fall by myself into this black hole.
He didn’t want to change – he didn’t know how.
There were many, many one-sided conversations, and lots of tears over the years. I didn’t want to give up, but I felt myself disconnecting.
And he did nothing. He didn’t really know what to do or where to start. But neither did I. We were sort of lost in this transient period of uncertainty about who we were.
In October of 2017, when my girls were 2 and 6 months old, I woke up one day with this burning desire to do something meaningful. To make a change. There was a deep, dark void that needed to be filled and I knew that it was up to me to fill it.
And that’s when my handmade business, Happy Little Flame was born.
While seeking business guidance for my launch several months later, I met two women (within the same week!), a life coach, and an author, who I believe are responsible for the massive changes I’ve experienced this year. They simultaneously, and in different ways, opened my eyes to a higher level of existence. Because of them, I gained a whole new perspective on myself and my life.
It’s funny how once you become self-aware and develop a growth mindset, you just want to take everyone along with you. You want to grab them and shake them and make them see the world and themselves the way you do.
But it’s scary. It’s isolating. It’s thrilling, and it’s maddening all at once.
And in reality, not many people are willing to take the risks and experience the pain and discomfort that’s required to get there.
Sean saw a change in me, but he didn’t know why it was happening. I would occasionally share my thoughts with him and try to initiate conversations about purpose, intention, and goals, but he wasn’t interested in any of it. I needed him to be something that he wasn’t. I needed him to be on my level, to understand my new perspective.
Was this really it for us?
Sometime in June he told me about a team-building conference that his boss was sending his employees to. I did a little more research on it and found that it focused on professional development with a ton of self-improvement work mixed in.
I begged him to go and his boss signed him up to go in September.
I was thrilled. I prayed that this conference would awaken something in him.
That brings us to now.
Sean returned from this trip on Friday night, after I was in bed, so we didn’t get a chance to catch up until Saturday morning.
As he walked into the kitchen that morning, there was something so different about him. It was as if I was looking at a new person. EVERYTHING about him had changed.
I was DYING to get to know him. I had so many questions.
We ended up having several 2-3 hour conversations that kept us on the edge of our seats this weekend, which was new and so amazing. We are both so much more connected. We click on so many levels. I just can’t put into words how good this feels… It’s been so long.
Everything has come full circle, and this is just the beginning for us. Instead of experiencing my journey alone with no one who understands, I get to have my husband with me. We can do our self-work TOGETHER.
I can see our future again, and it looks fucking incredible.